Ain't Nothin' Like the Real Thing

So one of the things that really drove me to veganism in my pursuit of a healthier way of eating was a long, torrid love affair with cheese. I've been obsessed with cheese as far back as I can remember; ask me to recall my fondest childhood memories, somewhere in that list would be pizzaburgers (burgers topped with marinara, provel, and a sprinkle of dried parsley on top) and the ubiquitous green cans of Kraft brand parmesan I sprinkled on everything. My interest in cheese never waned, only got more intense as I grew up and became a man. I went through obsessive phases revolving around both expensive cheese (I can still smell in my head my first encounter with Sage Derby) and cheeses altogether more pedestrian (melted American in toasted cheese). When I went vegetarian for a decade in my 20s and 30s, it was not a problem at all; as long as cheese was still on the table, I could put up with just about any kind of dietary restriction. As my waistline bloomed, I realized my cheese relationship was far from healthy, in more ways than one; and as I rounded my forties, I finally understood we really needed to part company if I were to ever reach optimum fitness in my life again. It's just one of things I can't do casually. It really is all or nothing, at least it has been so far in my life.

Fine. No more cheese. I can do this! Right?

Well, actually, I have finally reached a place where I can say yes- but for the first month of our vegan phase, I was not sure at all, and I spent considerable time (and expense) trying to find a substance to stand in for cheese. I just didn't know any other way to eat. That's not true, strictly speaking; I am fully aware of, and versed in to some degree significantly dairy-free cuisines like Chinese. But I had a daily habit, and I was not used at all to not getting my fix. So I started hanging out at health food stores, thinking over the faux cheeses. I dabbled a little randomly, and was stung by some pretty awful substances. I started reading reviews online- yeah, there are fake cheese reviews, and there are a lot of them, and there is no clear consensus. But a few names have stood out. There are people who like Daiya; actually, Abbey is one of them. I don't mind it providing a backing role if there are a lot of ingredients in the dish, but I don't like its flavor to be obvious in any way. Not exactly what you'd call enthusiasm.

I stumbled upon reviews of something called Teese, which was available in a variety of flavors and compared favorably price-wise to many products. The only problem was, living in the hinterlands, I had to mail order it. To my surprise, it does not need to be refrigerated; it showed up at my door loving nestled in some styrofoam peanuts. I refrigerated it before opening it, anyway, perhaps out of habit more than anything. Then the fateful day came when we decided to use the mozzarella Teese on a homemade pizza. I was not crazy about it, nor was Abbey. Strike one. Then the opportunity came for the Cheddar style stuff to add a bit of cheesy flair to some chili. I sliced some and put it on the dinner table. "What's that?" my youngest son was instantly curious. I told him it was a cheese substitute. He sniffed it, took a bite, and looked disgusted. "Ew!" he exclaimed.  Undaunted, I tried heating it a little before adding it to my chili. This very quickly filled the house with the aroma of warm Teese. "It smells like gym socks!" someone said, and I had to agree with them.  If it wasn't the smell or taste, it was the texture- either grainy (when cold) or gummy (when warm)- honestly, what I mostly felt about Teese was it was as if aliens invented it in their lab based on an earthling's description- as if the maker had never actually tasted cheese.

Sigh. If this was the best, or nearly best, cheese substitute the vegan food industry could provide, I thought I'd be better off avoiding cheese-centric dishes altogether. That was the best decision I could have made. I've had to rethink how I prepare meals and I'm finally getting a handle on a wide enough variety of dishes that I don't feel like I'm suffering. Plus, I think moving beyond recreating dairy and meat-free omnivorous staples is a necessary step for anyone looking to radically change their diet for the long haul. But in order to make this change permanent, it was necessary to master a few dishes that possess dairy-esque states of creaminess, but aren't trying to be something that they aren't- like the extremely tasty Hurry Up Alfredo recipe at Vegan Yum Yum that isn't Alfredo at all, but is a delicious thing unto itself that I find amazingly gratifying. I don't let that kind of meal dominate my palate, but it does make my cheese banishment less of a big deal. And I certainly don't plan on resorting to alien lab cheeze anytime soon.

Update: Veggie Slices are the bomb. Even for an avowed cheese lover such as myself. The smoked provelone style is ahh-maa-zing.